Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you thi

I walked down the long, narrow road to my house on my way home from school. As I passed Ms. Gretchen's house, I heard a quiet voice call my name. " Cali, Cali, Cali. ". It echoed. I glanced around, but saw no one. Marlington street was a quiet street. There wasn't very many kids living on that street at the time, except for me and my best friend, Lily. Practically the only time people would be outside was when they were taking out the recycling bins and taking it back in. I just kept walking. "Cali, Cali, Cali, ..." It continued. I brushed my long, curly brown hair out of my face and turned around. A small, old gray truck drove by me, and a tall man stepped out and walked over to me. He walked with a limp. I noticed another guy in the truck's driver seat. He seemed a lot younger, around my age, but older . I estimated an age for him at about 17 or 18, and for the tall man an age of about 29 or 30. As the man walked over to me, I heard another quiet voice in my head."Trust him"..

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

It has a good premise, but you have some grammatical errors that should probably be corrected. However, I notice you are writing first person. If you are writing "in character" you can actually slaughter the English language and even refer to people as guy, gal, etc. Just keep that consistent and remain in character throughout your story.

I would suggest cutting this one bulky paragraph down into several.

Another suggestion is to begin the story by setting the stage. Describe the street, the habits of the people, etc. Make me "see" what you are telling. Use more descriptives.

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http://hubpages.com/hub/Freelance_Writin...

http://www.writersrelief.com/nov06.html

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/

This is a free online course - How to Improve Your Writing

http://www.coping.org/write/compos/conte...

This site has ongoing info on writing and selling what you write. They also have a newsletter.

http://freelancedirect.zenmooncreations....

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

very interestin... leaves you wanting to read more.. i think its really good so far .. good luck with finishing the book =]

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

good start. Keep going!

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

Amateurish.

More elaboration, describe the street the time the weather etc,

"there wasn't very many" you cannot say that, thats wrong English,

Don't call a person "guy" say man or boy.

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

I think it was pretty good. I want to read the rest! :)

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

I have found that using a mysterious voice will capture the attention of almost anybody. You did a great job so far, and it does make me want to read more. Just keep the same consistancy throughout the book and try not to make it boring or flat. Like the recycling bins, it kind of lost my attention there, but hey that's just one opinion. You could try something like atering a garden or trimming hedges etc. but overall 5 stars

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

I shall be honest in my opinion.For that is what was implied you wanted by your question.

You do need to familiarise yourself with the correct use of grammar.Unless you are attempting a particular style that is written in the first person.

Formatting and setting the scene,are imperative within the first page or two.You need to grasp the readers attention as soon as you can and not let them go!.

There is a need to expand your vocabulary,and method of description.

The choice of words and way they are used, is far from pictorial or imaginative at this stage,and takes the reader now where.

It must be remembered that words are your tools,punctuation your nails and screws and your imagination is your timber.

The word "I",appears 8 times."Me" and "my", 9 times.

There are in fact, 20 references to yourself in one paragraph, or just over 10 lines, as it appears in this format.

As a practise lesson,that will teach you a lot about your ability, and perhaps help to develop your style.

Try this!

Take what you have written here, see how many ways you can do a rewrite.

Rewrite, without loosing the original meaning or intention of what you want to tell the reader. Add words or edit words,try expanding and reducing descriptions,sentences and the paragraphing.

Be aware of your punctuation and use of pronouns.

Keep rewriting until you feel satisfied with the result, and feel the words are drawing the same picture of the story that is living in your mind.

Finally you will see it there,as if in full blown colour,complete with shading and texture.Rather than a quick sketch, that was attempting to say too much.

It is a very brave thing to do, and a learning experience, to open yourself and your work to criticism.

Remember always, there is positive criticism and there is useless negative criticism.

Learn from one, and put the other were it belongs. Out with the rubbish.

Okay, this is all I have right now for my book. Just read what I have wrote and tell me what you think!!?

ok first things first "A small, old gray truck drove by me, and a tall man stepped out and walked over to me." he cant step out of a moving truck unless that is why he is limping, so maybe say "it pulled up beside me" or "infront of me".

Secondly you are writing well but it is all black and white you are saying how everything is "i walked down a narrow road" "long brown hair" "small old gray truck drove by me" they're not sending off enough to get the feeling of it all across to people, try explaining how things felt as they happened what effect they had such as "an old battered gray truck sped by, whipping the edges of loose hair into my eyes" or "Walking down the hot narrow road on the way home from school, heat waves slithering off the sticky tar and gravel"

The best advice for anyone is to read and read and read, what I do is pick out my favorite books and when a line really gets my attention I underline it when I like how the author has described something and emphasized the emotion behind it to really make the reader feel connected.

Put all your emotion into it, how you felt, describe the small details use interesting words and always make it honest.

You have a good basis and I am sure you will make this a brilliant story, goodluck.