What do you think of this story?

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Princess-To-Be

锟?br>

Written By: Kellie Hancock

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Chapter 1

Rotten Me

Lorandriae Corinthian. When you hear this, don鈥檛 you think that you are in a Politics Lecture? I do. This is my Name. Well, really now I go by Lori but still, it鈥檚 the Real Name that counts! At least I think that it is my real name.

You see, I was abandoned by my Birth Mother when I was first born. Then someone probably saw me and took me to an old, ratty orphanage. Then, when I was old enough to have any Brain Cells, I figured life on the street couldn鈥檛 be as wretched and pitiful as this. So, I ran away from Happy Alternate Orphanage. (Happy? I don鈥檛 think so!) Finally, here I am now, waiting for something Wonderful to Happen.

I am sorry to say that I am going to be waiting here for a VERY long time! The only thing Wonderful I have had in a long time is the Banana Peeling that someone threw out. Just Wonderfully Wonderful.

Even though I Absolutely HATE my Life of Wonderful Banana Peelings for Dinner every night and sleeping in a cardboard box while I freeze to death, I am NEVER, EVER going back to the Happy Alternate Orphanage! As I am freezing my bum off, I see a twinkling light and a faint voice calling, 鈥淟orandriae, Lorandriae, Lorandriae鈥?鈥?br>

Chapter 2

Shimmer City

鈥淲ho are you?鈥?I said as the dainty light called my name.

鈥?I may not look familiar now but you know me very well.鈥?She said. Yes, the light is a girl.

鈥淲hat do you mean look familiar? I can鈥檛 even see you!鈥?I said. Then as I was blinded by the light, an outline of a girl with wings appeared. She was wearing a Purple Dress and had the longest and fullest black hair that I had ever seen. She practically glittered as she descended from midair.

鈥淚 am Amethyst, your Guardian Fairy. I need to tell you that you are on your way to misery and gloom if you remain in the way that you are. But, great Fortune will come to you if you Travel to Shimmer City. It is a land with Humble people, beautiful landmarks and great opportunities.鈥?br> 鈥淚 do need some good for-, wait a minute, why will my life be filled with misery if I stay here? I am doing perfectly fine!鈥?I said a bit too firmly.

鈥淭here is No time to Explain,鈥?She said, 鈥渘ow come with me!鈥?br> Before I knew it, she lifted me up and whisked me in the air. I thought I was going to fall to my depths below and then I landed-on my feet-in a city that looked so gleaming, I thought I was in Heaven.

鈥淭his is Shimmer City. The land of opportunities. I find that you will like it here very well so.鈥?said a familiar voice.

I looked up to see Amethyst hovering gracefully above me.

鈥淗ey, Mrs. Fairy, you can鈥檛 just grab people like that then throw them to Lord know-鈥?then I stopped. I saw something that I did not believe. But it was true.

鈥淪himmer City isn鈥檛 shimmering at all!鈥?I shouted with suprisement.

Yes, as I looked through the portal-not the real city at all-I saw a scraggly run down old town looking like it had enough room for a market, a library, a hotel, a town square, a school, and a church, and that is exactly what it had.

鈥淲hy isn鈥檛 it shimmering? You said it would be Shimmer City! This isn鈥檛 much worse than the Streets!鈥?I said angrily. 鈥淲hy did you lie to me Amethyst?鈥?br> 鈥淚 thought by telling you that it was shimmering you would come in a heartbeat. But, you didn鈥檛. So I had to whisk you there. But, the city still has beautiful people, and great opportunities.鈥?she said.

鈥淐ouldn鈥檛 you have just told me the truth?鈥?I asked.

鈥淣ah.鈥?she said and flew off.

鈥淲ait!鈥?I screamed. 鈥渨hat am I supposed to do now? How do I survive? Where am I going to stay? Come Back! Please come back!鈥?I screamed, but it was no good. Amethyst, had already flown off to lands beyond. And so had I.

Suddenly, I felt myself rising upward. Then I fell-now on my bottom-in something wet. I had fallen on the fountain in Town Square.

鈥淎gain with the lifting!鈥?I said to my self. Then I heard laughter. I turned around to see a girl about my age laughing so hard, she almost turned over.

Chapter 3

Antoinette

鈥淲hat do you think is so funny?鈥?I said angrily.

鈥淚 am sorry,鈥?she said holding back laughter. 鈥渋ts just been a long time since I laughed that hard.鈥?br> 鈥淥h,鈥?I said, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry, I am just a little frustrated, that鈥檚 all.鈥?br> 鈥淲hat about?鈥?she asked. 鈥淣ever mind, anyway, my name is Antoinette. You can call me Ana.鈥?she said.

鈥淥k, Ana. What is this place?鈥?I asked.

鈥淚t鈥檚 a run down old, scraggly town with only a few things that a Proper Town needs.

鈥淩eally? It looks pretty nice to me.鈥?I said, lying, but not wanting to offend her, since this is her home.

鈥淐ome with me, I can show you around. There aren鈥檛 many places here so it won鈥檛 be a long tour!鈥?she said, sounding giddy. 鈥淭his is the Market,鈥?she said pointing to a small store that looked like a box with the words 鈥楽tore Stop and Shop鈥?written on it. 鈥渁nd that is the Inn, I wouldn鈥檛 practically stay there,鈥?she said whispering. 鈥淚鈥檝e heard that it has mice! That area of rooms, is the college. I am taking Dance. Maybe you should take something too, um鈥hat鈥檚 your name?鈥?she asked with a blank look on her face.

鈥淥h, I am so sorry, I didn鈥檛 introduce myself,鈥?I started. 鈥淚鈥檓 Lorainae Corinthian. I go by Lori though.鈥?I said.

鈥淟orainae. That鈥檚 really weird.鈥?she said.

鈥淢y name is weird?鈥?I said hoping that she wasn鈥檛 going to hurt my feelings.

鈥淥h, no! That鈥檚 not it at all! It鈥檚 just that there was a Princess named Lorainae. It just hit me as odd that you would have the same name as her. I mean it鈥檚 not really a common name you know.鈥?she said.

鈥淲ait-a Princess lives in this town? I thought that this was an old mill? A Queen and a King too?鈥?I asked questionably.

鈥淵es, a very happy Family at once also.- Wait- I really shouldn鈥檛 be telling you this though. Maybe you can ask someone else.鈥?she said doubtfully.

I nodded my head Yes, but I was thinking about why she wouldn鈥檛 tell me about the Princess. This is interesting.

鈥淥ver there is the Church- and the stable- I wouldn鈥檛 go in there if I was you. Rotten Smell if you know what I mean.鈥?she said, wrinkling her nose.

鈥淗uh?鈥h, yeah, right, bad smell, sure.鈥?I said, not remembering we had started the tour back.

鈥淯p on top of the Hill through those gates is the Shimmer City Library. It鈥檚 okay if you like to read books.鈥?she said, shrugging her shoulders. 鈥淢aybe you could find some things on the Princess there.鈥?br> 鈥淵eah, I鈥檒l check it out sometime.鈥?I said, not really positive to my word.

鈥淎nd finally, up there on the very top of the Land,鈥?she pointed way up high on a land loyal enough a king could live on it, and he did. 鈥渋s the Corinthian Castle.鈥?br> I looked up and saw a glimmering gate that had the letters, C.C. on it. This might be the only thing Shimmering about Shimmer City.

Chapter 4

Library Time

I woke up to the sunlight through my window curtain. If you can call it a curtain. Time for a Job. I walked out on the streets and pulled my coat closer to my chest, it was freezing. I can鈥檛 decide where to work. I love to cook, so I was thinking about the Hotel Cook. But then I would have to get everything just PERFECT! And you know how good I am at that! Not!

Then I thought of the one thing that I love to do, more than anything in the whole wide world. Reading and Children. Then I got it! The Library! It is the most appealing place in the Town. I mean besides the Corinthian Castle. I walked up the hill of pavement and opened the gate. When I walked in, I was greeted by a lean woman with brown hair.

鈥淗ello and Welcome to the Library Times Library. What kind of book are you seeking today?鈥?she asked.

鈥淥h, no. I鈥檓 not looking for a book. Would you happen to need any help for the moment. I would love anything that you have.鈥?I asked hopefully.鈥淲ell, you could stack books! We would love to have you! Are you interested?鈥?she asked with a glad look on her face.

鈥淵es! I would love it and greatly appreciate! Thank you!鈥?I said.

鈥淵our welcome! My name is Ms. Shory. If you need anything just ask! You start today. You can begin in the Reference Section.鈥?she said.

I went over to the section with the 鈥淩鈥?on it and began stacking the thick books. Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Dictionary, Encyclopedia of Royalty in Shimmer City, Dic-WAIT!-I opened the Encyclopedia and began reading the first page.

Royalty of Shimmer City

King Corinthian and Queen Corinthian met long ago in a faraway land. It was love at first sight鈥?br>

Wait, wrong page. I flipped back in the Index and looked up, 鈥淧rincess Corinthian鈥?page 497. I flipped to page four hundred and ninety-seven and began reading.

Princess Corinthian

Princess Corinthian was a very well organized and proper young lady. Adventurous young one at that. She loved the outdoors--

What am I really supposed to be looking for? I have no idea. I thought back to what Ana had said, Don鈥檛 go in there though, rotten smell if you know what I mean. No that wasn鈥檛 it! Think Lori, think! A very happy Family at once also. That was it! At once. What did she mean by that? Why just, At Once, why not forever? Weren鈥檛 Families supposed to love one another?

Just then, Ms. Shory walked past me. 鈥淗aving a fun time?鈥?she asked.

I quickly shut the Encyclopedia and put it back on the shelf. 鈥淛ust Wonderful! I haven鈥檛 had this much fun in years!鈥?I said, lying through my teeth.

鈥淕reat! The Library is almost closed. Why don鈥檛 you head on out and get some rest. You鈥檝e been working hard. Thank you.鈥?she said. Then she left for her desk.

I guess I can look the Princess up some other time.

Chapter 5

The Truth

鈥淟ori,鈥?Ms. Shory was calling my name as I walked out of the Library Doors. 鈥淟ori, how would you like to have a new job, besides stacking books? I see your interested in reading books by the way you were reading that Encyclopedia back there.鈥?She said lifting her eyebrow.

鈥淚鈥檓 very sorry, it won鈥檛 happen again!鈥?I said. 鈥淚 promise.鈥?br> 鈥淥h, that鈥檚 not it at all. I like that you are interested! I think that you should be reading for your Job. How would you like to read to children?鈥?she asked.

鈥淎m I in trouble?鈥?I asked.

鈥淣o, I just see something in you that I don鈥檛 see in most people that come into the Library. You have that special sparkle in your eye. It鈥檚 almost like I have seen you before.鈥?she said.

鈥淥kay. If that鈥檚 it, then I would really like to read to children.鈥?I said smiling.

As I was walking down the street, I heard a woman shouting, 鈥淚t鈥檚 Her! It鈥檚 Her! Everybody, Look! It鈥檚 really Her!鈥?she shouted.

I turned around to see who they were all so excited about. But, when I turned around, everyone was running at ME!

鈥淥h, we鈥檝e finally found you!鈥?one woman said. 鈥淥h, sweet Princess, where have you been all these years?鈥?another one said.

Princess? Did they say Princess? 鈥淓xcuse Me Everyone.鈥?I said.

They were all looking at me like I was going to give some kind of Speech. 鈥淓xcuse me, I think that you have the wrong person. I am Lorainae Corinthian-鈥?I started.

鈥淟orainae, you鈥檝e come back to us.鈥?they all shouted. Her name was Lorainae too?

鈥淓veryone! Leave Her alone! There is nothing to see here! Go on about your business.鈥?a voice said.

All of a sudden, everyone was clearing out. Going back to what they were doing before they saw me.

鈥淭hat was a close one.鈥?I said. 鈥淭hank you.鈥?I said, not really knowing who I was thanking.

鈥淵our Welcome Darling.鈥?said the voice again. Then appeared a humble looking old woman with a gray bun and a peasant dress. 鈥淚 am sorry about all the commotion honey. We lost our Princess and you do look very much like our Lorainae.鈥?br> I was still in shock that they thought that I was their Princess, but I managed to get, 鈥淚t鈥檚 Probably just a coincidence, really.鈥?out.

What do you think of this story?

Bella,

I found very few spelling errors in your story. The one that stood out the most was "I shouted with surprisement." There is no such word as surprisement. The wording would read better if it were: I shouted, totally surprised.

Your sentence structures are poor. You also have no strong points in your dialogue structure. In dialogue when someone says something, there is a comma prior to the who is saying it.

"It looks pretty nice to me.鈥?I said, lying, but not wanting to offend her, since this is her home.

Example:

No period after the word 'me.' "It looks pretty nice to me," I said, lying... etc...etc...

You're missing the comma after those lines and adding periods where they're not supposed to be. You're also using capital letters where they're not needed.

"Everybody Look! It's really Her."

The E in everybody is all right, but not the Her. A capital her would mean you're speaking of the Virgin Mary.

"Go on about your business.鈥?a voice said.

Here you used a period instead of the comma.

Don't let this critique get you down. I'm being honest here and that's the best policy. Paying you lip service and telling you your story is great, as is, is just fueling the fires of rejection.

Here's what I tell everyone who wants to write. Read it carefully and, once again, don't be hurt by my critique.

Writing a book takes more than just sitting down and putting your idea into words. There are a lot of things that you have to consider.

You need a good grasp of the English language. Spelling and Grammar. You will also need to check and recheck your work. Editors are very expensive these days.

You need to know how to write an effective 鈥榪uery letter鈥?to a literary agent.

Can you write a synopsis that will hold the interest of the agent, and want to make him or her ask for the first three chapters of your work?

Do you know how to outline?

You鈥檒l need to know how to format your manuscript. This includes the fonts that

most agents, editors, and publishers want. You will need to follow submission guidelines just as they are laid down for your submissions. Anything less will result in your manuscript sent back or destroyed unread.

Do you know what Point of View is? (POV) Do you know how to write in First Person Point of View? The can鈥檚 and can not鈥檚?

Do you know how to write dialogue? How to format dialogue?

It鈥檚 a good idea to know some of the publishing laws. The use of names and places.

These include

oDelivery Of Satisfactory Copy

oPermission for Copyrighted Material

oGrant Of Rights

oProofreading and Author's Corrections

oAdvances and Royalties

oAuthor's Warranties and Indemnities

oCopies to Author

oOption Clause

Do you know how to get a 鈥榳ord count?

Do you know what a prologue is? An epilogue? Do you know how both of them are used and why?

Do you know what the word 鈥榞enre鈥?means?

You鈥檒l need to know how to use the proper 鈥榩age set up鈥?for your work. Margins, indents, paragraphs.

Are you prepared to do a lot of 鈥榬esearch鈥?involving your work? Many professionals such as, doctors, lawyers, nurses, public accountants, judges, architects, bricklayers, engineers, and police officers read, too.

Do you know what a plot is? A sub-plot?

Can you take rejection and constructive criticism? If you鈥檙e easily hurt in the feelings department, then this hobby is not meant for you. Critics will tear you apart or build you up. The best writers in the world 鈥淜ing, Patterson, Koontz, J.K. Rowling, and many others鈥?have been torn up one side and down the other. You can鈥檛 please everyone.

If you decide to hire an editor, remember: Your manuscript will be double spaced, which means there will be twice as many pages. A 600 page novel could cost you around $1800.00, some even more depending on what the editor charges a page.

These are the things you must know to work at your craft. But don鈥檛 let these things deter you from writing. There are books in libraries and bookstores that can teach you all of these things. Buying these books (if you want to be a serious writer) is the best thing to do. Why? Well, because you can use a yellow marker to highlight all the points of interest. Then you can use the front of the book to make page references to those markings in order to check back on them at a later date, when you need to.

You鈥檒l need to get a copy of Writer鈥檚 Market for the current year. This has literary agents whom you can send out query letters to. Some of them allow email queries.

I wish you the best of luck!